Vietnam - What Was It Really Like?

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Subject:    Vietnam . . . What It Was Really Like 
Date:          Wed, 19 Jul 2000 
From:        Duane R. Milano (TX T)  
To:             Howard & Marge Marshall mmarshall@spaciousskies.me

This is long, but dear to me and millions of others.  Those who know me, know I spent time in SE Asia.  What a lot do not know, is that I spent 34 CONSECUTIVE months there in 1965-1968.  An almost unheard of thing, but obviously one that did happen at times.  For 30 years I felt I had come out of that time a lot better off than most. Only after a session in the hospital with an out and out panic attack, more than two years ago, did I finally have to face what all Viet Nam vets have had to, in differing forms.

I am not convinced I have ever revealed this much of myself to the friends on my mailing lists, and do now only in the hopes that it will help some other vet somewhere in some way.  It is known by the many doctors that deal with the issue, that one needs to deal with the feelings openly before the inner wounds heal.  In my case as for so many others, one result of my time in SE Asia was that I walked away from God for six years, searching for how He could let such a mess happen.  I now know it was not His will.

Many numbers are tossed around, but somewhere between 85-95% of the homeless of my age group are VN vets.  We lost many times more to suicide after they came back than we lost in that country.  This is a damning indictment on our society, I believe.

If you know a vet who is still keeping it inside, pray for them and listen, and perhaps even try to draw them out a bit.  You may save their life.  I do not say this lightly.  They need you.

God is doing a work in my life and I am so grateful.  However, it is not a finished work as shown by the partial message I include below that was sent to some of my dearest friends a few days ago.  It shows too well there is much to be done.

Finally, a piece of good news.  Last Thursday we had a major fire at the high school just a bit from our house.  The TV choppers just about drove me over the edge.  There was no one home to talk to and I actually considered getting some 30-ought-6 shells (we keep none in the house for obvious reasons) at Wal-Mart and putting them (the choppers) out of my misery.  Sanity (sort of) prevailed and I got ready to call 911 to have them come get me -- I knew I could not drive.  Praise the Lord they let up some and I made it without any major incident.  I confess, it set me back a few days, but I can tell God is working on me.  Compared to the hospital time 2 and 1/4 years ago, this is truly a praise report. It is clear to me that someone was praying up a storm for me at the time!

My sincere thank you to a man and performer, who at the time was still behind the Iron Curtain, Yakov Smirnoff in Branson.  Not until his show, 32 years after I had left Vietnam had a person ever shaken my hand and said "Thank You" for the time you spent serving your country. What a change from going through airports and being called a baby killer, having bags of manure thrown at me in my uniform, and watching my country's flags being burned in the name of freedom.  Thank you, Yakov, for believing in what we fought for. 

I said it was long -- I do not apologize for that! 

Although in the Air Force, I know that everyone was a grunt in various ways in VN.  In the following section, I include something I think everyone in this country should read, even if they have before.

TX T

 

Some People DO Care

General Abrams and Ann-Margret take the stage at the Bob Hope show, held at the Long Binh amphitheater. Vietnam, 1966.

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Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in Vietnam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8x10 black & white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann-Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

A few years ago, Ann-Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured  photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o'clock for the 7:30 signing.

When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot, and disappeared behind a parking garage.

Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted. Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home.

Ann-Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as 2nd in line, it was soon Richard's turn. He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said,  "This is one of my gentlemen from Vietnam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.' "

With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them. There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he was the only one there.

Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. "That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said.

Richard, like many others, came home to people who spit on him and shouted ugly things at him. That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to be a Vet. I'll never forget Ann-Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

I now make it a point to say  "Thank You" to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces.  Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.

If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.  (Author Unknown)

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Ed,

I would lie if I did not say (the above) brought tears to my eyes. You see, one of my favorite memories of my 34 months over there was when Ann came with Bob Hope. At that time (before we saw her) she was a person I was madly in love with from a distance. She did not disappoint in any way. As I remember, Barbara McNair sang "White Christmas" that year also. I watched as generals on down cried like babies.

I think you have seem my VN web page so you know, I was first thanked when in Branson, MO in the summer of 2000, and by a Russian at that. It started to break down a wall I had built up for 31 years. I am still working on that today. My car does now carry VN Veteran plates. It says "I AM OK" though the truth is I am not. But I am working on it. The scars will never disappear, but the hurt has lightened.

Ed, I know I have never done the same for you, and Dad Loomis and many others. Yes, your war was a different kind than ours, but no more nice than any other. We all know there is no such thing as a nice war. I THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME SERVED IN EUROPE, that made it possible for us to serve in VN two plus decades later. Your sacrifices were many, and no less harsh than ours.

I appreciate everything you fellows (and the ladies) did in WWII.

Cheers and May The Lord Richly Bless and Keep You!
I B TX T

 

Vietnam -- what it was really like for the grunt soldier....
"So.........What Was Vietnam REALLY like?"
 

Vietnam and the American Fighting Man

Written in June 1967 by:
Mike Rice RM - Twice
Dong Ha River Security Grp
NSAD Cua Viet

Viet Nam, to the American fighting man here, half a world from home, the name means many things - almost none of them good.  It means the farthest place from those he loves.  It means the CLOSEST  place to death.  It may mean a rice paddy where he lost his Best friend.  It does mean a war in which he most surely and quickly lost the last remnants of his own boyhood. 

It would be cruel enough without war.  For Viet Nam is stagnant rice paddies, red clay gumbo, prehensile jungle vines, bamboo thickets and 12 foot elephant grass.  It is weeks of 120 degree heat and 95% humidity, or drought and monsoon and flood.  It is a country of two seasons, hot and dry, and hot and wet.  Or mixed, for as one GI complained, "This is the only place in the world where you can be shoulder deep in mud and have dust blowing in your face at the same time."

It is the residence of the inch long red ant, the Malaria mosquito, the bamboo flea and the bamboo viper, the Russell viper, pit viper, cobra, banded krait, four inch long cockroach and a couple of snakes that perform under the aliases of Mr. Two Foot and One Step Charlie.  Needless to say, ALL poisonous.

Spiders, lizards, flies, rats, bats, leeches and a million other insects- no two alike, thrive here.  So does Malaria, Jungle Rot, Typhus, Fungus, Immersion Foot, Dysentery, Pneumonia, Sunburn, Head Prostration, Tuberculosis, Leprosy and a couple of Asiatic ailments we haven't quite put a handle on yet.

They thrive, all of them.  But, miraculously, so does the spirit of that amazing being, the American Fighting Man.  Every day he meets the challenges of the cruel and agonizing war.  He survives. He even triumphs.  And what he has to go through, few civilians know.  And NO ONE knows who has not been to Viet Nam. 

General Eisenhower, in another war, once exploded to a war correspondent, "I get so eternally tired of the lack of understanding of what the infantry soldier endures. I get so fighting mad because of the general lack of appreciation of real Heroism which is the uncomplaining acceptance of unendurable conditions...."

The uncomplaining acceptance of unendurable conditions -- the statement could have waited for a more appropriate war.  This one.  The numerous muddy front lines in Viet Nam may complain, but it is the healthy, time-honored fashion of the GI gripe. 

And the GI here DOES accept the unendurable.  He accepts 18 hour workdays with no women, booze or overtime pay.  And he accepts the million other little bitternesses of Viet Nam...the Halozone tablet in a canteen of rice paddy water, the bites and stings of insects, the grime, the dirt, the dust, the mud, the kind of sweat you bleed.

He accepts the facts of rotting wrist-watch bands, a "Dear John" letter, reconstituted milk, canned meat, three salt tablets a day, last choice at the C-rations, and when he can even find it, WARM beer.  He hears Hanoi Hannah reading our casualty reports each night over Radio Hanoi.  Sees his friends fall in battle, and he endures.  And he endures the sight of a mortally wounded child, the cries of pain and "MEDIC" and "CORPSMAN," the smell of DEATH and the taste of FEAR, the prospect of the next patrol, the RAWEST emotions of the battle, and his own dreams.  For Viet Nam is these. 

And it is mumbled prayers under the sounds of  incoming artillery, and learning to laugh at things that aren't really funny.  It is the fears and doubts about yourself in battle, because you know if you stop to think about them during battle it could get you killed.  It is wanting a WAR STORY without having to live it, and then living it and not wanting it. 

It is the PHONY war story every man despises and the war story too TRUE to ever be told.  It is the fear of cowardice and fear of courage. 

The American Fighting Man endures all of these, and performs everything his country asks of him.

For the task, he fuels himself on Courage and Selflessness and Dedication and a Camaraderie that no one who shares will EVER really find anywhere else again, and he gets along on the most simple and pathetic, most God-awful seemingly unimportant pleasures.  The sweat wrinkled photograph of a loved one, the sight of a Saffron yellow mail bag and a letter from home- or mail addressed simply to "A fighting man in Viet Nam," a clear stream with no leeches, or a nights sleep in a real bed.  He cherishes hot chow, cold beer or a cool breeze.  Or the reminders of home, a USO show, a circled date on a Short-timer's calendar, a favorite tune over Armed Forces Radio, or a week old copy of Stars and Stripes reassuring him that America still exists.  His satisfactions are a burst of insect repellent on a leech's back or a dry cigarette.

And there IS humor, even here, not side splitting humor, but humor that fights the grimness and makes it bearable.  "Didja' hear?  A couple of  mosquitoes landed over at DaNang Air Base the other day and Ground Support pumped 50 gallons of AVGAS into them before they realized hey weren't  F-4's," or "Hot Damn!  Only 300 days and a wake-up, I'M SHORT".  "It must be Sunday, they're feeding us Malaria pills again."  And humor sprouts in the signs which GI's brand their whereabouts," No one would DARE mortar this place and end all the confusion." On a roadside, "Drive carefully, the life you save may be your replacement." On the fuselage of an ancient C-47 transport, "Trans Paddy Airways," or outside a Marine's tent in Chu-Lai, "Chu-Lai Hilton, VACANCY," or on the side of a C-123 used to spray defoliant, "Remember, only you can prevent forests," and a much in evidence bumper sticker, "Support your Fighting Men in Viet Nam."

There is a slang in his speech.  Lots, every other word sometimes.  His dangerous, merciless adversary, the Viet-cong (VC or Victor Charlie in military phonetics) becomes simply CHARLIE or OLD CHARLIE.  And every little Vietnamese street urchin becomes CHARLIE-SAN though they usually rate the affectionate GI pat on the head with the term, unless one has just run by and stolen your wrist-watch.  Then, you grab them by the neck.

Even though billets, hootches and tents are papered with Playboy foldouts, the memory of American womanhood is distant in his mind.  To be referred to as Round Eye, Smooth Legged Woman who exists in the Land of the Big PX is about all that is spoken.  Air mattresses become rubber ladies, Piasters become "P'Z", Military Payment Certificates become Funny Money, Replacements become Turtles (because they take FOREVER to get here), and an enemy infested jungle becomes "VC National Forest".  Fighting Men are Jet Jockeys, Groundpounders, Grunts, Snuffies, River Rats, Stump Jumpers, Straightlegs, and Saigon Warriors depending on their unit, rating and/or assignment.

Vietnamese become Slopes, Gooks, Dinks and other assorted epithets.  Montagnard Tribesmen become Yards, and the enemy becomes (besides Charlie), Congs, Gooneys, Ho's Boys or simply "The Bad Guys," and Charlie gets either Greased, Zapped, Zonked, Massaged or simply Blown-away.  Jets are referred to as Birds, Prop airplanes as Spads, Scooters or Tinkertoys. Snakes are Mr. No Shoulders.  And there is the Thousand Yard Stare in a Ten Foot Room and the Million Dollar Wound (just serious enough to earn a ride Stateside).

There is, too, a less imaginative Alphabet Soup of letter abbreviations that lubricates the Language and Paperwork.  Samples: WIA (Wounded In Action),  DMZ  (De-Militarized Zone), LZ (Landing Zone), FAC (Forward Air Controller), and so on...through VC, K'S, PAVN'S, ARVN, MACV, TAOR, MPC'S, and a  thousand OTHER combinations and alphabetum. The war has a favorite phrase, in Vietnamese "Xin Loi," which means "Sorry 'bout that."  It is employed for every stumble, oversight, injustice, burp, blister or disaster.  "Xin Loi," may be the LAST words Charlie ever hears.

And finally, everything succumbs to a GI rating system of Number ONE (Satisfactory), and Number TEN (UN-Satisfactory).  There are no numbers in between.  No GI wants any.  In a GRAY, confusing WAR - a Number TEN War - It's nice to deal in BLACKS and WHITES again. 

So, WHO is this remarkable American our country has sent to Viet Nam? Who IS this guy we pay the lavish sum of $65.00 extra a month and even forgive the trouble of filling out Income Tax forms, for what can only be the most underpaid work in the world?  He is, of course, many men, many types, he is the Cool, Mature, Professional Officer and he is the BATTLEWISE Non-Com on his second tour of his third WAR.  But MOSTLY, he's a YOUNG American (some COMBAT UNITS average 18 ½ years of age), who would prefer to be back home doing other things, but who by chance of history is here.  He VOLUNTEERED or by lack of a deferment was DRAFTED, but he is here because he LOVES his Country.  By all accounts and opinions, he is the SMARTEST, STRONGEST, BEST TRAINED, MOST SPIRITED and COMPETENT Fighting Man our Country has ever sent to war ANYWHERE. He is YOUNG but he is OLD beyond his years because this war is a CRAM COURSE in Maturity and Survival.  Experts marvel at him. "In 60 years of Soldiering and watching Soldiers," writes Military Affairs specialist S.L.A.Marshall, "I have never seen higher morale than that of the U.S. men in Viet Nam.  The American fighter here can outwit, out-move and out-game anyone thus far thrown against him.

Their main gripe is that the enemy is loath to come out of hiding.  Their aggressiveness arises from pride in unit.  The bond with their buddies.  A wish to get the job over...and an unfaltering belief in the rightness of their task."

General William C. WESTMORELAND, Commander of American Forces in VietNam, calls him flatly, "The finest fighting man our country has ever produced." 

There is a Sacred Brotherhood among Combat Vets.  There does not have to be speaking or organized gatherings -- there is merely that look, when eyes meet, and you just KNOW. 

Understand and LOVE your Viet Nam Vet...
after what he has been through, he needs that above all else.


 
 Lt. Col. Janis A. Nark wrote in Scattered Memories--A Woman's Journey to War and Back, "In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial (The Wall) was placed in our nation's capital.  I saw pictures of it and the vets on television or in magazines, and it brought out emotions in me that went way beyond tears.  And I, like many vets, knew it wasn't over.  We knew we had to go there.  We didn't know why, we just knew we had to go.  The Wall was calling us home."
 

After Duane Milano read Lt. Col. Nark's description of her visit to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial (The Wall) in Washington DC, he commented:
 

I know so well how she feels, though I confess it took me longer to deal with it, and I have always lacked that friend that was there.  Oh, I have some who were, but they are even worse off than me, and the topic is never allowed to be discussed.  And we were not there together. 

When I was in Guam for the 50th re-invasion ceremony (1994) the replica of The Wall was brought there.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to go to it.  We stayed  for hours and I was not much use to anyone for weeks after.

The real Wall still awaits my visit.  I do not know how I will be able to do it -- but I know I have to.  It continues to beckon, though I know where most the names are, given I saw the replica. A LARGE piece of me is still left in Southeast Asia and I guess always will be.

I continue to pray that some day I will have the courage to re-visit the country.  I understand so much more, nowadays, my father-in-law's refusal to visit us in Europe.  Only around his grandchildren will he open up about those years.

With my Domenica now a sixth-degree green belt, and Mack just starting karate, it has all come home so much more.  Praise the Lord, I was able to watch her earn her green without going into a total waste and depression.  I know God is working with me on this.

This is the first year that I have had special plates on my car. They do have Viet Nam Veteran on the bottom.  And although I do not really believe in vanity plates, I have them.  They say "I AM OK."  I suppose if there was room, they really should say "I am getting better!"  But it is a start.

Do I still have that uniform with those ribbons?  Yes!  Will I ever wear it?  No, I confess, I doubt I will ever do so.

I do not cry for the lost years, I cry for the lost.

My prayer is for all the homeless and others who will never be able to do that much, nor even think about seeing the Wall.

Thank you, God, for your help!


The Moving Wall in Klawock, Alaska, 1997

Lt. Col. Janis A. Nark is the author of Scattered Memories - A Woman's Journey to War and Back.  A portion was reprinted with Lt. Col. Nark's permission in A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Hanoch McCarty & Meladee McCarty in 1997.  It was again released in honor of Veteran's Day 2000 in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Home Delivery, a free inspirational e-mail service from Mark Victor Hansen and Jack Canfield, co-authors of the NEW YORK TIMES best-selling Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  See www.chickensoup.com.

Please read the full text of Lt. Col. Nark's article.  It is on the Internet at
www.ntu.edu.sg/home/hblim/reflections/scatteredm.html

 

In Memoriam

Duane (TX T) Milano became the Wandering Racquetball Missionary, because "humor...fights the grimness and makes it bearable."  TX T went to his eternal reward on Sunday, March 3, 2002We will miss his caring attitude and his wit.  If you would like to leave a tribute, please click here to go to Peggie's Place.

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He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."  

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.  You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling-- even the LORD, who is my refuge--then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.  For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My Name.  He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation."  Psalm 91 NIV

The URL for this page is
www.spaciousskies.me/IBETXT/Vietnam.html

Links

The Yakov Smirnoff Show
Pointman Ministries
Vietnam Veterans' Home Page
A "Rolling Memorial" to 9/11

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Credits: Photo of the Moving Wall courtesy of Howard W. Marshall. Ann-Margret photo courtesy of www.corbis.com. Background source not known.

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